I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
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got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
What’s a Messi?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?