Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
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girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I would move hell over six inches for you
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like