“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
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Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I’m already scared
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.