“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
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I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Mornin
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.