Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
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It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My what?