My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
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*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Kids: Stay in school.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Yes, but it was never about money
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.