I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Overindulged this afternoon.