me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
🤣😂🤣