barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
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*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I鈥檓 in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can鈥檛 lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rh茂yse e帽 Sh矛艅毛” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
FRIEND: Pretend like you鈥檙e not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 馃槵
Host: What now? 馃え
Me *bids farewell*
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I鈥檓 trying to avoid any spoilers.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i鈥檓 tooo comfy!! shut up
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that鈥檚 why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair