Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
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[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.