[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Confused owl: What?!
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly