[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
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Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot