My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
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feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.