If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
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I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
twitter users today:
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”