I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
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If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.