Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.