Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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The old gods are rising again.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I just ran a .003048K
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Investing in beetcoin
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.