Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
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The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Children of the corn 🌽
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?