Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
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[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like