[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
That took me a moment.