[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
You Might Also Like
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”