I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
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People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.