He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
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My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
based al yankovic
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people