My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
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[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia