Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no