[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
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If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.