Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
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ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
A customer told me they were never coming back….
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.