me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
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The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers