Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
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The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.