My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea