Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
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There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.