If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
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Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Favourite diary entry ever
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Breaking news:
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”