He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
You Might Also Like
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Cats are still liquid.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye