We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
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Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Good boy 😂😂
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.