judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
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“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Awwwww shit.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Ha.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”