In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
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They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn鈥檛
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it鈥檒l be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They鈥檙e two different letters.
*click
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 馃榾
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
The rest of the world: It鈥檚 so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It鈥檚 so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Thursday