i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
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me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Good advice.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me