[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
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Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.