Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
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my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,