A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.