Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
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Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Self-cleaning conscience
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.