Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
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ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Someone just threatened to call me later
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Huge, if true.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?