(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
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Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.