Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.