*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me