Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
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me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits