Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
When I snag the last meatball.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.