A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
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Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay