Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Twitter fine art
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Any refunds available?…
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”