having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
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Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.